ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
