I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
