This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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