The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
