Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
