Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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