i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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