fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize