im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize