It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
