If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
