I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
