I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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