Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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