if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
