went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
