Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
