You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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