Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
