There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
