The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
