I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
