you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
