Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
