i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
A+ Viking dick
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