my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
