The best revenge is premature balding
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
