just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
