i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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