this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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