if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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