i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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