I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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