did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
