toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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