There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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