I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
