We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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