corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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