Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
