Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
