Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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