If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
