she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
