Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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