I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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