I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
