OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
