did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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