I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
