last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
