tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
