Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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