don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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