I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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