Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize