Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The uberlube is also flammable
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
