I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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