Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
